You Can’t Coach Someone Into Caring

No matter how much effort you put into it, you can’t want success for someone on your team, more than they want it for themselves. Believe me, I’ve tried.

You have that person who is just not making it. You've talked with them, you've coached them, you've clarified expectations, even offered additional training.

You've given them resources, checked in (probably more than you should have), and encouraged them. Maybe even given too many chances.

Yet somehow, you're still having the same conversation six months later. At some point, a difficult question has to be asked:

Are they struggling because they don't know how or because they don't want to?

Those are two very different leadership problems. Treating them as though they're the same can exhaust a leader, frustrate a team, and create an environment where accountability slowly disappears.

Not every employee problem is a coaching problem. And…people have to be “coachable” before they improve.

It’s important for the leader to know when it’s a coaching problem and when it’s an “employee” problem.

Imagine an employee who genuinely wants to succeed but doesn't know how to manage their time. That's a coaching opportunity.

Someone on your team who lacks a particular skill? That’s a development opportunity.

Someone who has never been taught how to handle a difficult customer? That’s a training opportunity.

What about the person who knows exactly what is expected of them, has the skills and resources to do their jobs well and simply chooses not to do it?

That's different and it requires a very different leadership response. In those instances, your role is to make sure the person understands the consequences.

At some point, the question isn't “What else can I do to help this person?” The question is “What responsibility is this person taking for themselves?” And for the leader, it can be a very uncomfortable shift.

Sometimes the most intentional thing a leader can do is stop rescuing people from themselves.

This may be one of the hardest lessons for a caring leader. I’ve been there. If you've built your leadership identity around helping people, it can feel almost wrong to step back, like you’re giving up. We want to give people an opportunity to see their potential.

While those are admirable qualities, Intentional Leadership is about developing people, not rescuing them. That’s an important distinction to make. In addition to developing dependence, it also pulls the leader away from others who made need support, guidance, and coaching. Further, it can send a message to the team that underperformance is tolerated.

Everyone has to own their responsibility in the situation – both the employee and the coach.

If you’re struggling with a similar situation and need a little more clarity, here are a few questions for leaders:

• Are you coaching this person because they need help or because you're hoping your next conversation will make them care more than they currently do?

• When you have previously met with this person to set expectations or even just to check in, who does the majority of the talking – you or them?

• Is the time you're investing in coaching this person resulting in meaningful progress, or are you having the same conversations repeatedly?

It should be pretty evident which category the employee fits into.

Intentional Leadership

We can create the conditions for people to grow. We can provide direction, support, and opportunity. But ultimately, growth requires something no leader can provide for someone else: the willingness to be coached and take responsibility for it.